Sometimes I write things and hesitantly post them only to pull them back because I get shy about stuff that nobody else would understand. Sometimes I write things that are sad to me because they're about old friends that I was in love with once in ways I could never talk about out loud because it wouldn't be coherent and strangers I never had the courage to share a moment with because I was intimidated. and loneliness is easier than regret, but guilt is something that learns how to stack up after time and you can't keep it between your notebooks anymore. so things like this are not things that I find myself looking back on fondly because I presented the moment accurately - this is the kind of piece I look back on later and cringe because the love you sometimes find yourself having for people is great and charged with wonder and tormenting and exhausting and rarely makes sense. so here's this.